


love, jaemin

by twotones



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Slice of Life, love simon inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 08:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15311832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twotones/pseuds/twotones
Summary: Na Jaemin is a typical university student ー with a reputation of being the head of a well known org and a dean's lister. He is just like everyone else except the fact that he have one big secret, the secret that changes his life and perspective.





	love, jaemin

**Author's Note:**

> FINALLY had the time to finish this au (πーπ) been actually thinking of writing this for months already. this is inspired by the movie "love, simon" so expect for some lines coming from the movie hehe (i love the dialogues in there), it's such a beautiful and eye-opener movie! pardon me if there are any grammatical errors, enjoy reading! (this is quite long! 8k+ words?)

* * *

 

Na Jaemin is a typical college student at the prestigious and prodigious Neo Tech University. 

 

Maybe a little more than the typical, since he's the head of a well known organisation in their university called Wordsmith Society, an organisation for aspiring writers who publish their works under the official website of the university, and he’s also a consistent dean's lister. He is well-known around the campus for being the active student he is, always running around with flyers and doing survey for the other orgs that he is also part of which make it easier for the students and staffs to remember his face with his infamous radiant smile. 

Being a social butterfly, it isn’t hard for him to approach people and befriend them. But he can admit to himself that all throughout his stay at the university, he only have six friends coming from his year and some seniors whom he consider as his closest ones. They hang out at the end of the day, particularly to catch up, and maybe have some time to forget their stressful responsibilities once in awhile. They love to spend their time having a movie marathon at someone’s place, talk about annoying professors, and spend lots of money on food together. 

 

Jaemin’s dad owns the bakery that sells the best croissants in the city. He can clearly remember the day he brought a box of croissants for the very first time during his freshman year, the croissants was especially made for his set of friends since it was his treat for them for being a dean’s lister. 

His friends spread out the word of how delicious and heavenly his croissants were. Ever since that day, their business thrived and started to have regular customers from the university up to the present. 

His dad is a funny, loud guy who loves throwing dad jokes usually during unexpected times. He married the sweet and cheerful music geek from his class during high school. Jaemin loves his mom so much as well, his mom is the sweetest woman he ever knew. Jaemin is an only child but he never felt alone since his mom and dad are like around his age by the way they act, making it easier for him to open up and be comfortable around them. They love to eat pizza while watching their favourite series together in the living room during weekends. 

 

To sum it up, Jaemin lives a decent life. Looking at it, he is just like everyone else except the fact that he has one hugeass secret.

And that secret is that...  ** _he’s gay._**  

 

Jaemin, as an avid reader of novels ever since he’s thirteen that turned him into a hopeless romantic, thought that it’s easy for him to have his own love story—the kind of love story that he always read between the pages of his favourite classics that established a mindset inside him that it’s easy falling in love. It’s okay for him to have the cliche ones, as long as he have his own just like the rest. But he didn’t expect that the tables will turn around, leaving him confused and scared. He decided to bury that thought in the back of his mind, but he simply can’t. 

Everything started during his eighth grade when he was merely fourteen years old around that time, he started catching himself staring at cute guys longer than the average and feeling jittery when he’s around them. It was during around that time when he had a dream about his favourite famous actor-singer, Song Seungheon, where he had a date with him. Not only once, but thrice. 

 

_“What just happened…” A fourteen year old Jaemin jolted up from the bed after waking up from a weird dream and looked at the poster of Seungheon inside his room as he grunts in exasperation, “Oh my god. Leave me alone.”_

 

Going back to his senior year in high school during their prom, he had his first girlfriend as his prom date. They were slow dancing under the lights of the disco ball when his girlfriend asked him if they can have a kiss before the night ends. Instead of initiating the first move, Jaemin excused himself and went to the comfort room as he locked himself inside a stall. 

 

_“No…” A sixteen year old Jaemin fished out his phone from his coat to send a text to his mom, asking him to pick him up from the school since he is feeling sick about it and just wanted to rest._

 

But the real reason why he ditched his girlfriend is that he didn't want kiss her. He didn't want to give her a meaningless kiss. He didn't have any feelings for his "girlfriend". The real reason why he got himself a girlfriend is for him not to be left out since every boys in his class had their own partners and it’s pressuring him as a naive young teenager that he was. It was the littlest set of things that made him realised that he isn’t into girls.

It’s okay for him to have them as friends, but to be emotionally and romantically attached to them—it’s not. He prefers the other way around. He prefers guys. 

 

**_Guys._ **

 

Until now, finding attraction to guys still feels strange for him. Sure, he read and watched movies about it (alone, while eating ice cream inside his room) but the fact that he haven’t told anyone yet about it is the reason why he still feels bizarre about it. It’s frustrating him how he cannot just scream about cute guys or tell them how handsome they look like without being weird. At the end of the day, he’ll just swallow his own compliments for them and wait until he’s inside his room. 

Inside his room is where he can be free and stalk a couple of his favourite actors without feeling guilty at all and without feeling anxious that someone might caught him watching a compilation of his fancam of his favourite male idols on Youtube and cooing at their cute moments. 

 

Finals are fast approaching, it’s gonna happen by the end of the month. All of the students are busy studying. For Jaemin, he needs to spend more time in studying to maintain his consistent average. He is thankful for the fact that he loves reading which makes it easier for him to read his handouts and not be lazy about it. He is currently inside his room, sitting in front of his study table with books and notes scattered on the table, when his phone rang which startles him in the middle of reading about literature. 

Mark’s caller ID appeared and is asking him for a FaceTime. Jaemin tapped the answer button and Mark showed up on the screen with a lollipop inside his mouth. 

 

“Yo, have you seen the recent post in Neo Tech Secrets?” 

Jaemin furrowed his brows in curiosity as he held his phone to see Mark clearly, “What’s with the post?”

“Just open it! People are talking about it all over on Twitter. Man, it’s crazy.” 

“Alright,” Jaemin put his phone down again so that he can open his laptop, “Let me see.” 

 

Opening Safari, he clicked the Neo Tech Secrets page that he saved in his bookmarks and waited for it to fully load. Neo Tech Secrets is a site where students from the university posts confession and stories either anonymously or not. It’s a very popular social media platform where students get their daily tittle-tattles. He enjoys browsing through tons of confessions and life stories, keeping the ones he really liked in his bookmarks. The only thing that he doesn't like about the site is that there is someone who keeps on exposing people just to gain attention. That's a pathetic move if you're gonna ask Jaemin. 

 

“Have you seen it already?” said Mark, waiting for his response. 

Jaemin muttered a small wait as he read the most recent post which is already on the popular page with almost hundred likes and comments. 

 

 

> **_Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world, then the next I'm at rock bottom._**
> 
>  

 

“It's a post from the gay guy in the university. Nobody knows who the person is.” informed Mark which snapped back Jaemin into reality after spacing out from the post. 

“What..” 

“Who do you think it is? I talked with the others recently and they have no idea. I'm really curious about it.” 

 

Jaemin didn’t answer for awhile and kept re-reading the post with a ferris wheel photo attached to the post. His eyes wander if the sender left his identity and saw that the person left his email address in public, an idea popped inside Jaemin’s mind. 

 

He picked up his phone and looked at Mark, “I have no idea. I’m gonna study now, see ya tomorrow.” 

Before Mark can even answer, he ended the video call and put his phone down his table. He looked at the post again and a frustrated sigh erupted from him.  

 

“Oh my god…” 

 

There are only a very few outed person in the university, probably not exceeding up to ten people. It is actually an uncommon concern for everyone. He hated the fact that it is an unusual topic, almost a taboo, which is making it hard for him to be free about it. Posts like this are expected to become a talk around the university. It’s been awhile since the last time there was a post like this. 

 

He looked at the email address again. 

 ** _greyskies00@gmail.com_**  

 

Jaemin took a deep breath before deciding to go with the idea that he have in mind. He wants to talk to that person but he clearly cannot use his personal email account. He needs to make a new one and for sure, that person is using his pseudo email address too. Just to be fair. After the google mail loaded, he clicked on the sign up button and registered for a new email. 

 

**_Welcome to your new Gmail account!  
_ **

 

“Here goes nothing…” Jaemin whispered to himself as he clicked on the compose button before settling his fingers on the keyboard to let himself write everything he wants.   
  
  

> **_Hello, Grey. I’m just like you. I am just a typical student in the university who loves to spend most of my time with the orgs I have. I have a pretty decent set of friends who help me survive the university life. My dad is a funny guy and he loves my mom so much. Well, my mom is a sweet and caring one. I have normal life just like the rest and I’m quite contented with it. Except I have a secret that… wait, this is my first time telling this… I’m gay…  
> _**

 

“Wait, what name will I put..” He asked to himself after writing everything he wanted to tell just now, “Uhm..” 

 

 

> **_Sincerely,_ **
> 
> **_Antoine  
>    
>  _ **

**  
_Message sent!_ **

 

“Oh fuck, what did I just do…” 

 

Jaemin can’t believe that he really sent that email, that there is someone else aside from himself that knows he’s gay. Jaemin keeps on muttering curses to himself, pulling his hair in frustration as minutes pass by with no response. Just when he’s about to jump off his window because of anxiety while waiting for a reply, he heard the notification bell from his email. He stopped walking back and forth across his room and looked at his laptop. He squinted his eyes and took a deep breath, he saw the notification. One new message. 

 

  
Grey replied. 

Grey _freaking_ replied. 

 

  
Jaemin took a seat at the computer chair in front of his study table again after having a mini mental breakdown while waiting for his reply. He actually feels very nervous about it. He can feel his fingers trembling because of both anticipation and nervousness. He clicked on the new email and read Grey’s message.  

 

> **_Hey, Antoine. Thanks for telling me your life story. I can totally relate with you. I’m also like you, not until I decided to post that in the page. It feels good to have people know your sexuality although I haven’t outed myself properly since I am hiding behind an anonymous email and I bet you too. Just wondering… why did you send an email? Don’t take it in a wrong way. I appreciate your message!_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_Sincerely,_ **
> 
> **Grey**
> 
>   
>   

Jaemin smiled after reading the message. It feels good that there is someone who knew his secret even though it’s a stranger. This is the first time of him talking about it with someone, all this time he just keep every thought inside him and pretends as if he’s not into boys. He typed his reply, telling him that he saw his email address from the post and complimented his written passage, saying that he liked the way he explained himself. He also told him more information about himself except for his real name. 

 

There is something about Grey that makes him comfortable. The supposedly study night became a night of exchanging email messages with Grey. Jaemin didn’t regret it though, he felt like there is a piece of needle that was being pulled out inside him and he can breathe lighter even for now. He is thankful to whoever this Grey is.

 

Mark was right. He can hear students talking about the post, completely curious about who it is. Jaemin felt like sulking and rolling his eyes, why do people care so much about other people? Especially with their sexuality? _Why is it such a big deal?_ He doesn’t get the point of why do people find interest in gossips. Sure, it’s exciting but it’s actually invading someone’s own business. Gossips should be illegal. If only Jaemin rules the country, he will establish a law that he’s not allowing gossips. For him, gossips are very annoying and just a waste of time. It's his biggest pet peeve. 

Jaemin can feel the frustration build up inside him again after hearing the group of students who were talking about the post as he pass by the hallway to go to the library. He put his earphones on just to block every gossip while walking. Earphones is such a life saver. Jaemin always makes sure that he have his own inside his bag or else he'll have to deal the day with a grumpy mood. 

  
Entering the library, he removed his earphones and greeted the librarian that is currently in charge for today. He told her that he will use one of the computers. He registered in the log book and is now granted with a permission to use it. He did a daily checking of their org’s works in the official website. It is a daily work for him, as the head of Wordsmith Society, to monitor their org’s section in the site so that he'll know the current ratings and the views statistics of their works, also to read the comments and answer inquiries. He hums in content as he view the ratings and it’s surprisingly going up than the which is a good sign, that means that they’re doing a great job as an org and people are being entertained by their works. 

 

3 years ago when he was still an apprentice, it was a great struggle for them to maintain their good ratings.

They had a huge crisis since they lack in amount of writers who are consistent in giving high quality works. Lots of pioneer writers quit because of the disorganised management of the org. The contents that they are giving to the viewers aren’t relevant anymore. That’s when Jaemin decided to speak up and said his thoughts, offered new ideas, and helped in handling everything since he cannot deal the fact that the org he is really fond of is slowly falling apart.

The first idea he suggested was to start a monthly survey from the students both in person and online in able for them to know the relevant topic that they want to read about from their monthly magazines.  Starting from that, Wordsmith Society started to thrive and be back on the track once again. Jaemin established the idea of being relevant and trendy—with that they will always be connected to the students and they will keep on supporting their works. 

 

That’s why the board of directors of the Wordsmith Society didn’t have a hard time choosing a new head when the previous one graduated. They granted Jaemin the position of being the new head of the org and ever since he became the head, everything went smoothly and very organised. They gained a lot of committed members, too. 

He never fail to deliver quality contents since he spend quite a lot of time proofreading the works of his members before publishing it and he is very hands on with their projects. He even have the time in asking his members if they have current problems or such. You can say that he is very dedicated and passionate about it and that is his key to a continuous success in their org. 

 

After checking it, he thought of opening his anonymous email account to check if they are any messages coming from Grey. As expected, there is. A smile crept on his face as he clicked it.

Just when he’s about to reply, he received a message from his org’s adviser that he needs to talk to him. He absentmindedly clicked the close button of the browser and hurriedly went to the faculty for him to meet his adviser. Little did he know that he forgot to log out from his email account and that there is someone who got into his place after him, giving that person access to his account as curiosity sparked inside the said person. 

 

“Jaemin, you seem so busy again. Finals are coming up in a few weeks and you still have paperworks from your org.” Renjun said as Jaemin settled himself down on the seat in their usual table.  

Jaemin sighed as he smiled softly, “What can I do. You all know how much I am committed to it, anyway.”

Donghyuck passed an iced coffee towards Jaemin, “Here’s your favourite mood booster. Drink up. You can do it!” 

Jaemin’s smile grew bigger as he took the coffee gratefully, “Thanks, Hyuck. I owe you this one.”

“Nah, don’t mind it. We always do it when someone is stressed out in the group.”

 

Jaemin can’t help but just smile and drink his coffee in silence as he listens to his friends who are currently talking about different stuff all at once. They may be noisy and a bunch of people with occasional crazy antics, he still love and cherish all of them. They’re the sweetest and they never fail to support one another especially in times of hectic schedules. Without them, he'll surely end up being insane with loads of stuff that he have to do.   
  
It's only his friends from his year who are currently at the table, some of their senior friends haven’t arrived yet — it’s because they have different schedules but they learn how to adjust with it. It’s understandable since they are in different years. 

 

They were startled when Jeno came running and slamming a huge bag of chips in their table. 

 

“I'm so happy I got this before it got out of stock again. I’ve been craving for this for weeks already!” exclaimed Jeno, opening the bag of cheese flavoured potato chips. 

Jaemin looked at the chips and then towards Jeno, “I never knew you liked this kind of chips.”

Jeno smiled as he put more inside his mouth, “I just got hooked to it last month.” 

 

Something clicked inside Jaemin’s mind. He remembered one of Grey’s messages from last night—telling him how much he craved for cheese flavoured potato chips for weeks already and Grey also told him that he just got addicted to it last month. Jaemin looked at the chips and towards Jeno again, good thing Jeno is busy talking with the others at the moment. Jaemin tilted his head as he tries to connect the lines. Maybe... the person behind Grey is Lee Jeno. 

 

 _“What..”_ Jaemin said inside his mind. 

 

“Sorry for interrupting but can I talk to Jaemin?” 

 

Everyone stopped talking and looked at the person where the voice came from. It was from Dongmin, a year higher than them, smiling and waiting for their response. Donghyuck can’t help his sassy self but to snap as he rolled his eyes at him. Renjun kicked him under the table for doing that and Donghyuck just mouthed _what_ towards him.  
  
  
It's totally understandable, Dongmin is the person behind the user who keeps on exposing people in Neo Tech Secrets that always result in a great mess. They don’t even know how he is still at the university and not yet kicked out because of the amount of trouble he caused. Dongmin is a manipulative and an annoying piece of crap. Jaemin felt confused when Dongmin asked for his attention. They never interacted. In fact, he despise Dongmin like the others. Nevertheless, he agreed and Dongmin said he wants to talk to him in private.  

That explains why they are currently in the lockers where there aren’t that much people around since the next bell rang and students rushed inside their classes. Good thing, Jaemin’s classes are over for this day. He isn’t sure if Dongmin currently have a class but as if he gives a damn about it. 

 

“So, the thing is… you used computer number two recently in the library, right? I saw your name in the registration list. You forgot to log out your account and I saw that you’re messaging Grey. Well..” Dongmin smiled sheepishly as he leaned closer for a whisper, “I even saw your secret.” 

Jaemin pushed him back a little as he creased his brows in both annoyance and shock, “What the hell? What did you do with it, Dongmin?” 

Dongmin shrugged, “Well, I just took photos of the messages. Don’t worry, I’ll keep those if you’ll agree with my deal.”

"What the fuck-"

"Hey, easy. I'm still your senior." Dongmin laughed. 

 

 _"Yeah, good thing because if you're just around my age I will definitely kick your ass."_ Jaemin said inside his mind as he maintains his silence, glaring subtly at Dongmin. He can totally feel the angriness burning up inside him. He wants to get Dongmin's phone and throw it away. This is clearly an invasion of privacy.   
  
  
Jaemin exhaled, "What's the deal?"

  
"I'm gonna give you until Friday. Accept me in Wordsmith Society. I really want to write and for people to read my works. A week, alright. Think about it. Once this Thursday ends and I got no response, I'm gonna write something else in Neo Tech Secrets instead. Bye, _Antoine._ " explained Dongmin before laughing as he walks away, leaving Jaemin dumbfounded.   
  
  
Jaemin hit the locker door beside him with his fist because of the annoyance building up inside him. He feels aggravated and being used. He cannot just accept people to be a member that fast. They need to pass their own portfolio so that he can determine if they are deserving to be in the org. What will be Dongmin's topic if he will write? For sure, it will be just bunch of non-sense. Dongmin just clearly wants an attention and to add up the org into his so-called achievements. 

 

_"I'm gonna write something else in Neo Tech Secrets instead."_

  
  
What Dongmin said keeps on echoing inside his mind. He basically used the email messages as a threat so that he will accept him in the org. What if he got exposed? He is not yet ready to tell everyone yet. He will never be ready about it. What if Grey found out that someone read the messages? Grey will probably stop messaging him. He doesn't want that to happen. He doesn't want to lose Grey even though they're just talking behind the screen and typed out words. 

 

"What took you so long?"   
  
Jaemin shook his head and just smiled softly, "Nothing. Dongmin just asked for some notes and I searched for it in my lockers."

 

Jaemin mentally sighed in relief when he noticed that his Doyoung hyung bought his excuse. He have no time in explaining and he knows that if he tell his friends about it, he'll also have to out himself. Again, he is not yet ready. He is thinking that maybe the reason why he haven't come out yet is because a part of him wants to hold onto who he have always been. He doesn't want to rush yet. Coming out always takes time and a _lot_ of courage to do so. 

 

He chose to forget what Dongmin said for now. He still have the whole week anyway. He won't waste his time sulking over it, so he agreed staying at his Johnny hyung's house to have their weekly movie marathon. It is part of their friendship's ritual, probably just to destress theirselves away from the stuff that they do in the university. It's a thing they do to keep their sanity together. 

 

Jaemin excused himself and told them that he'll go home first to get his stuff, and to inform his parents that he'll be staying at Johnny's until late night. They usually do it on Fridays but doing it on a Monday is actually nice, too.   
  
  
He opened his laptop once he got inside his room and messaged Grey, telling him that he won't be online through the night. In the middle of his typing, he stopped. Why do he need to tell him that if Grey is Jeno... He shrugged his thoughts and just sent the message. It's better to keep him informed rather than letting him wait for his reply. He doesn't want to conclude that Grey and Jeno is only one. He might end up having the wrong assumptions. He didn't wait for Grey's reply and closed his laptop, putting it inside his laptop after making sure he got everything. He didn't forget to put his books so that he can read, too. 

 

"I'll be going now, mom. Tell dad later in case that he'll search for me!" exclaimed Jaemin as he wave goodbye to his mom who is busy cleaning in the kitchen. 

The last thing he heard as he closed the door is his mom shouting "take care" and "have fun" to him. 

  
Arriving at Johnny's house, he can already hear his friends laughing out loud inside. He entered inside his friend's bungalow house and is immediately greeted by his friends—lots of high fives and hugs coming from them even though they saw each other at the university. All of them are so clingy but as if Jaemin mind about it, he loves hugs and clingy people. He put his bag on one of the couches and walked to the living room where the others are already settled on the floor with blankets and foods on the table. 

 

He saw Jeno and he smiled when Jeno did. There goes the jittery feeling again inside him. 

 

 _"Stop assuming things, stupid self."_ Jaemin told himself and mentally slapped his forehead. 

  
How can he connect things just by a mere potato chips? He's becoming delusional because of the huge amount of want to know the person behind user Grey so bad. They started to watch the first movie on the list and bags of chips are being opened as well as the cans of soda. Jaemin settled himself on one of the beanbags with a fluffy blanket wrapped around him, he feels the most comfortable being in this position. In the middle of the movie, someone's phone rang. 

  
Jeno stood up from the floor before walking in the kitchen to take the call in private, "Sorry, gonna take this call."

"Tell your girlfriend not to call in the middle of our movie time!" Taeyong said, shaking his head as he shows a faux look of disappointment, resulting for the others to laugh at it. 

  
  
"Wait," Jaemin furrowed his brows as he nudged Jisung who is beside him, "Girlfriend?"

Jisung nodded his head, putting chips inside his mouth and eyes not leaving the television, "Yep. Jeno got himself a girlfriend yesterday. You didn't know? Yikes, learn how to read the group chat oldie."   
  
  
Jaemin didn't respond and just let Jisung watch the movie quietly, instead of asking more questions. Jeno got himself a girlfriend. He wants to bang his head on the wall for being so dumb and concluding things so easily. It's a stupid thinking, how can Jeno be the one behind Grey. Jeno is like one of the "straightest" guys he knew. He can't help but to have a little pout appear, he feels disappointed. 

Some part of him wanted Grey to be Jeno, but most part of him accepted the fact that Grey will never be Jeno. Jaemin admits that he grew a little crush for Jeno. Like.. who wouldn't like a supportive, irresistible, and thoughtful guy like Jeno? Lee Jeno is the embodiment of Jaemin's ideal type and he hates it. Out of all people, why does it have to be his friend? 

 

"You look grumpy." Jisung said, pulling back Jaemin back into reality. 

Jaemin sighed, "Nah, just hungry. Pass me the chips."

 

Days continue to pass by and Jaemin continues to live on as the busy university student that he is, walking around the hallway with paperworks and book—juggling his responsibilities between studying and handling the org, they have an upcoming project before final so he needs to work double time with each stuff. He's used to it but it never fails to pressure him in some part. Good thing, Grey exists. 

Even though it's not Jeno, he's still happy about the fact that Grey is real and existing somewhere in the university. They're still talking and he feels glad that he can openly talk about everything with Grey. He feels like he knows him even though they haven't met in person yet. He wanted to meet him already, even though they're just talking for days, he wanted to see the great person who accepts him fully. He isn't even sure if it's possible to be in love with someone you just met online and it's just days.. 

 

Jaemin is thinking that if there is love at first sight, this would be love at first (okay, maybe not first) message. 

 

"Hey, have you seen the recent post of Dongmin in Neo Tech Secrets?"  
  
  
Jaemin overheard while at the lockers, he's currently looking for something and there is currently a batch of students in front of him—it's not his fault for eavesdropping, they just talk loud enough for him to hear. 

 

"What's with his post?" A hint of interest and curiosity present in the second student that spoke. 

"He said that he's gonna post something big tomorrow, at 8PM! He left a hint. Just two keywords, though. Antoine De Saint-Exupéry and Wordsmith Society."

 

  
Jaemin's eyes widened. He is so sure that it's gonna be something about him. He looked at his phone and found out that it's already Thursday. It's gonna be Friday tomorrow which will be the last day of their deal. He exhaled a curse out of his lips as anger starts to rise up in his chest again when he remembered what Dongmin said to him last Monday. He shut his locker door closed with a loud bang, startling others. 

 

"Hush down, the head of the org is there." One of the students said. 

 

Jaemin have one thing inside his mind. He needs to find Dongmin and settle things. 

After a few minutes of walking, he finally saw Dongmin at the cafeteria with some of his friends. This feels like deja vu, this is what happened last Monday morning except that it was vice versa since Jaemin was the one with his friends back then. He wonders how can Dongmin laugh after posting it. He even starts wondering how Dongmin can sleep at night peacefully after exposing people without their consent. 

 

He walked closer to Dongmin's table, "Hey, sorry for interrupting. Can I talk to Dongmin hyung?"  

Jaemin felt like taking back his words, he can never call Dongmin his hyung but as a respect for the other seniors around him. He decided to call him hyung. Given the fact that Dongmin is a year older than him, just by age and not mentally. Dongmin is like a high schooler who loves getting attention from the gossips that he keeps on spilling. Attention seeker, it is. 

Dongmin looked at him and he smiled widely when he saw Jaemin, "Oh, hey! Alright, guys. Gonna be back later." 

 

Jaemin furrowed his brows because of rage by the time he have Dongmin by himself outside the cafeteria, "So, you're really serious about posting it huh? Do you know how fuck up you your plans are? This is straight up black-mailing. I didn't even say yes to your stupid deal!"

Dongmin raised his brows, "Hm.. and so? Chill, this is just a little part of you. Don't you like getting attention from people? People will be more interested in you! You may even have your little boyfriend by the time I posted it." 

Jaemin balled his fist in annoyance, telling himself not to punch Dongmin, "You know what.  I don't really know the reason why you're like that, Dongmin. You must have a reason why you love getting attention. I don't know you personally. As much as possible, I'm trying to understand you and why you're doing this. You told me to accept you in the org, but what you're doing now is more than enough for me not to accept you. I do not need problematic people like you."

Dongmin grew silent and his eyes soften when Jaemin said that. Jaemin took it as a chance to continue. 

"I'm sorry, Dongmin. Even though you have a potential in writing but as long as you're using your skills in a wrong way, I won't change my mind. Yeah, it's given that people read your exposing stuff in the page since it's interesting but do you think they really like the idea of it? You may have tons of likes in your posts, but that's it. I hate to tell you the sad truth, but the thing is people despise you. They only like your posts, but not you. You wanna know why?" Jaemin paused for awhile, "It's because you are ruining other people without noticing it."

 

Instead of waiting for his response, he walked away. He feels bad for talking back to someone older than him but Dongmin deserves to know the bitter truth about him. While walking across the hallway, most of the stuff that he can hear is about his post it is as if they're waiting for a blockbuster movie to be released. Jaemin took a deep breath as he got his bag from his lockers, he wants to go home already. The only reason he stays in the university is because he have other duties to do, but today — he just don't feel like it. 

 

"Jaemin, do you have any idea why Dongmin put Wordsmith Society in his recent post?" Mark asked, voice laced with concern, as he walked closer to him.

Jaemin shrugged, "I don't know. I want to go home now, Mark. Sorry." 

"You know that you can talk about anything with me, right? I won't force you to tell me though. Tell me when you feel like it. You must be so stressed now, please rest well later. Just FaceTime me anytime."

 

Jaemin smiled when Mark gave him a pat on his shoulder before waving goodbye to him. He is grateful that Mark is such an understanding person. He never intrigues him when he is curious and he always gives him time for himself if he's gonna open up or not. It's been a long day for Jaemin already, he texted his mom and told her that he's gonna go home. 

The bus ride to his home feels longer than the usual as he drowns himself with thoughts. He feels so scared about what Dongmin will do. He already accepted the fact that he will never change his mind about posting it, he will still post it after telling him stuff. He accepted his fate already, but he isn't ready yet to face the judgement. 

 

_Announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying, what if the world doesn't like you?_

 

Jaemin is finally home. He greeted his parents like the usual, they asked about his day like the usual. There's a lump in his throat that is pushing him to tell them something. He wants to let his parents know a big part about him before it gets publicised. He may feel afraid but there is this spark of courage that is telling him to do it which is telling him that it's enough of hiding anymore. He hid himself for too long, especially from his parents whom he love so much. For the first time, he felt like he's lying to them.   
  
He walked downstairs and looked at his parents who are currently on the couch, watching a random show on television. 

 

_"C'mon, Jaemin. You can do it."_

He took a deep breath before speaking, "Mom.. dad.. can I talk to you for awhile?" 

  
"Sure, why are you acting so formal all of the sudden?" His dad laughed as he motioned for him to sit with them on the couch. Once he's already on the couch, his mom turned off the television for them to talk. 

"Are you alright, honey? You look uneasy." His mom laid a hand on his knee, concern present in both her eyes and voice. 

 

Jaemin paused for a moment, "I know that I've been telling you everything that goes on with my life ever since I was a little kid. I'm very grateful that the both of you are giving me tons of attention and support. I'm always grateful for the both of you. The thing is.. there is something I've always wanted to tell but I don't know how and where to begin with."

His mom held him tighter, "What is it, Jaemin?"   


Jaemin closed his eyes and exhaled before opening it again, eyes teary from the amount of emotions he's currently feeling right now, "Mom.. dad.. I'm gay. I'm not into girls. I like.. boys."   


He felt like everything stopped as soon as he said it, silence grew inside the living room, and the only thing that Jaemin can clearly hear is the loud and erratic beating of his heart because of nervousness. He was snapped back into his current state when he heard the footsteps coming from his dad, who stood up and walked out from the scene. That's what it takes for Jaemin's tear to fall down. Jaemin thought that his mom will walk away too when he saw her stood up, but instead she took a seat closer to him and engulfed him into a warm hug. Jaemin feels so happy for the hug, he can feel acceptance from the hug coming from his mom. 

 

"Thank you, Jaemin, for telling us." His mom pulled back, showing a small smile at him, "Don't worry about your dad. Maybe it just shocked him for now. But I wanted you to know, that this will never change a thing. I am so happy that you told this to us! I am so proud of you, Jaemin. I knew it, I knew that you were never the real you for the past few years. I feel like there is something that you haven't told us yet. I am.. so happy. Finally, you can be free around us. I love you, Jaemin."

  


Friday kicked in and Jaemin stood up from his bed, feeling happy more than ever, but there is this small amount of fear that still lingers in his chest. Dongmin will drop it anytime. But he is more than ready now, he is ready to tell his side of story for people to read. It is enough of lying now. 

Jaemin walked downstairs after preparing himself for another day at the uni, he saw his dad at the dining room—having his breakfast, there is this bitter feeling inside him since his dad didn't say anything last night about his confession. But he understood, it's a huge thing to consume. Just when he's about to leave after getting one of the prepared sandwiches, his dad called him. 

 

"Jaemin, eat breakfast with me." He stopped in his tracks when he heard the offer, he turned around and saw that his dad is smiling at him. 

He took the seat in front of him and get his own food.

"I'm sorry," His dad said out of the blue, "I'm sorry for walking out last night. I was just surprised with it, but that doesn't mean that I do not accept you. You are still the same Jaemin that we have. Maybe I'm just a little bit upset since you just told us now. If you told us before, maybe I should've joked about cute guys on you instead of telling about girls." 

 

The both of them shared a laugh after that. They continue to talk and Jaemin never thought that he'll feel happier. He is more than grateful to have such accepting parents. He feels like a light feather now instead of the one he's feeling everyday, he tried to live with a huge secret behind his back—making him feel like carrying a rock and hiding behind the bushes of truth. It was a long overdue confession that he kept and he feels so delighted that he already told it to his parents. 

There is one more thing that he have to do and that is to tell everyone about his true self. He just need to have a right timing before doing it. 

 

Jaemin was glad that he survived another day in the university, some students are still talking about Dongmin's post—waiting for 8PM about it, he successfully avoided questions from his friends and now he's back at home after another long day. He looked at his watch, it's already quarter to eight. The only thing that he is afraid of... is losing Grey. They may spent a few times talking, but he already felt attached to him. 

He is already in front of his study table, facing the laptop with the page of Neo Tech Secrets loaded, waiting for the post while talking to Grey. Grey doesn't have any idea about it. He doesn't know how to begin talking about it with Grey. What if Grey leave if once he told him that? He may sound selfish about it, but for now he's gonna keep it for himself. He is ready that after the post, it might change everything. 

 

_He knows what to do next._

 

 

> _**TING! One new post from Neo Tech Secrets!** _

 

It's already 8 PM, he knew it. He knew that he will never stop Dongmin from posting it. The loud and erratic beating of his heart is back at it again, he feels so nervous. He clicked the new post and as much as he expected it, he still got surprised from the amount of comments and likes the post got for just a couple of seconds. Dongmin really posted everything, he feels enraged again. He read the caption. 

 

 

> _**Looks like the head of Wordsmith Society got a sizzling secret. Nice choice of pseudo name, Antoine.** _

 

He took a deep breath to calm himself. As expected his phone started ringing with notifications and messages from his friends, asking if he's okay and about what is happening. He chose not to answer. The only concern he got is Grey. He needs to apologise and talk to him. But even before he can send a message, Grey already did. He immediately opened it and read it. 

 

 

> _**I saw the post. I know you already. I'm sorry, please stop messaging me.** _
> 
>  

 

Jaemin hurriedly typed a message but he can't send it anymore, Grey already blocked his email address. He desperately tried again but he really can't. He feels guilty. He didn't want any of this to happen. There are tons of emotions that is starting to build up inside him. He closed his eyes and exhaled, he needs to calm down. Even though he didn't want any of this to happen, he still expected it. He needs to face it. He can't just sulk alone in his room. 

He opened the page again and clicked on the submit button. 

He have to do this before he totally lose Grey. 

 

 

> **_I am writing this, not to excuse myself and reason out against the post about me, but because I wanted people to know something about myself. I kept a huge secret inside me, keeping the truth from even the most important people in my life. You see, living inside a closet feels suffocating. I've already suffocated myself for a very long time. Living inside my lie is enough. Ever since I discovered that fact about me, I started to become scared. scared about judgments, scared about wanting to have validation but one thing I realised is that I don't need to be scared, especially having a validation from others. Once you accepted yourself and tell yourself that your feelings are valid, it is more than enough. The reason why I was so scared is that I cannot accept myself. But now, I am proud that I did. It is terrifying to announce who you are, but I am telling you this—it feels amazing to be true to yourself. I know that I am not alone, I know that there are a lot of people who are scared like me. It is okay to be scared, but in case no one told you this yet... remember you are valid and you are still worthy of everything._ **
> 
> _**"** **Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world, then the next I'm at rock bottom." A quote that came from someone who made me realise that there is nothing to be scared of. The person who told me that it's okay to feel everything at once.  
>    
>  ** _
> 
> _**I don't know who you are, Grey. But I've always wanted to meet you.** _
> 
> _**Tomorrow, Saturday, is the university's first day of fest, I'll be waiting at the ferris wheel. I'll be waiting starting at 3PM until 6PM.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**I'm hoping to see you, Grey.** _
> 
>  
> 
> _**Love,** _
> 
> _**Jaemin** _

 

**_CONFESSION POSTED!_ **

 

 

"Fuck.." Jaemin breathed out as he shut his laptop off. 

 

 

Saturday. The day Jaemin told him. He feels like time is flying so fast, but he asked for it and he needs to face it. It is now or never. He is holding onto the small hope that Grey will show himself. He opened his phone and was bombarded by tons of messages, he didn't answer anything at all last night. Instead, he just go straight to his bed and sleep the night away. It was a crazy night. His post got a lot of attention, too. He feels like every attention is on him, especially today. 

 

"Jaemin!" 

 

His friends run towards him as soon as he showed himself in the fest. The field is full of booths, colourful lights, and people. He was engulfed inside a group hug coming from his friends and he felt warm. He heard words coming from them about how proud they are, how happy they are, there were also words telling him how dare he didn't told them about anything. He just laughed and smile at them, thanking them, and once again, he feels so accepted. He noticed that his group of friends aren't complete. Understandable, some already texted him and apologised that they couldn't come because of having projects but nevertheless told him that they will still support him. But his attention turned into Jeno who is nowhere to be found. 

 

"Where is Jeno?" asked Jaemin, still looking around to look for him. 

"He just texted me now that he cannot go. He is busy." Mark said with a sigh, still sad over the fact that they aren't complete. 

 

The clock ticked to 3PM and Jaemin is more than ready, with his friends who are here hyping him up, there were also other people who are watching him. Probably the ones who commented words of encouragement to his post. He was thankful for them, too. He looked at the huge ferris wheel in front of him. It is really now or never. There is not turning back. He already exchanged his money with loads of tokens for him to start his journey riding the ferris wheel. 

 

"I guess these tokens are enough for three hours ride..?" Jaemin said and showed the tokens to the one in charge in the ferris wheel. 

"Alright, hop in." 

 

He can hear people, especially his friends, cheering for him as soon as he got himself a seat the two-seater ferris wheel. Even though he is having lots of moral support, he can still feel the nervousness inside him. What if.. Grey really doesn't show up? He will surely feel embarrassed about it, but at least he tried. Instead of not trying at all, right? The ferris wheel continue to keep going, some of the people are growing tired of waiting even some of his friends. It's been already an hour and a half, but Jaemin still decided to keep going. He still have to wait until six, there is still a chance for him to see Grey. He is still silently wishing for the universe to grant his wish. 

 

 

"Well, are we really going to wait.." Chenle said to Mark, who is already tired from waiting. 

Mark shrugged, "I guess, let's see what will happen."

 

5:50 PM, ten minutes before six in the evening and Grey is still not here. Jaemin feels hopeless by the time his pod stopped at the bottom again. He can't even count how many times the ferris wheel stopped and go again. 

Just when the one in charge is about to tell him that his tokens ran out, someone came running with a token in his hand. 

 

"Here, take this." The person gave it and looked at the shocked and confused Jaemin while smiling, "Hey... can I take a seat beside you?" 

 

"Oh my god.." Taeyong said, watching the scene in front of him. 

"It's.. him.." 

 

This time around, Jaemin isn't alone in his pod. There is someone beside him and he cannot believe it. He really can't. 

 

"Are you.." Jaemin looked at him, "Grey?" 

Jeno smiled, "Yes, it's me."  


 

Jaemin keeps on wishing for him to have his own love story ever since he was thirteen. He already accepted the fact that he might end up having the cliche ones. But right now, he feels so happy and surprised at the same time. He didn't expect that out of all the people in the university, the person that he will end up with is his best friend ever since he was a freshman and the one whom he got a crush on. _Lee Jeno._

 

"What about your girlfriend?" Jaemin asked, once the pod stopped at the very top, giving them a breathtaking view of the whole city which is full of colours and lights. 

Jeno shrugged, "I tried again, but no. Just like you, I was scared. But it didn't work out. I ended things before it goes deeper and I'm happy I did. Good thing, that it isn't that serious for her."

Jaemin smiled, "I thought you're busy?" 

"Hm.." Jeno laughed, "That is just another poor excuse of mine. I was really nervous but that doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matters the most is that.. we're together in here."

 

They both looked at each other, eyes full of emotions but the emotion that is very present is no other than happiness. They both smiled and a spark ignited inside of them. Who would've thought that there would be a wonderful plot twist from a simple post that Grey, a.k.a Jeno, did. 

 

And finally, they shared a sweet kiss on top of the ferris wheel under the beautiful moonlight and stars who are the witnesses of the very beginning of their long-awaited love story. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! comments are very much appreciated. have a great day ahead. 
> 
> p.s be proud of who you are and don't be afraid. (⺣◡⺣)♡


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